-Broken Memories-

It is never about luck.

2010-04-01T01:55:00.000-07:00

I have never written my blog for so long. Since january... so long.... perhaps nothing significant happened then.... i wasnt really busy but my mind is occupied with my driving and uni matters.... haven really settled yet.... guess y i started writing again?....

ya.... something happened to me.... bad one...

Haiz.... i decided to write it down so that i stop thinking about it.... it has been so distracting that it even affect my driving lesson.... not a very big issue but real disturbing...

ok... this is how it goes...

I was 'invited' to attend a compulsory dining in... all formal and grand....
i was not very enthu abt it but lan lan got to go....
when i went there, i look at the sitting arrangement ..... my sianness times 100
the sitting arrangement is made in such a way that everyone is sitting at diff seats...
For us to make interactions....
wth.... not my fav deal...

then i went in.... IT IS SO GOD DAMN FORMAL.....
lol....
sian sian sian.....
it is torturous to take note of your etiquette and sit with a group old enciks....
i find it hard to talk to them.... nothing in common
i am natuarally quiet and dun talk to strangers....
haiz..... the hours passed like years.....

i tot just suck thumb and then finish it....
but it seems like things are not gg to go so well....
when i was at the reception , i was appraoached by two lieutanents who claimed that they knew me and were from the same ocs batch.... -.-.... very friendly but a bit too friendly.... i dun noe them leh.... nvm just smile smile talk cock....

ONE mistake i made.... i wore a 2lt rank instead of a full lta rank.... i never went to change them.... i just wore.... i tot nobody will care about the diff or will notice it....
But...............

The formal dining was followed by making a concoction of alcoholic drink....
then they started getting ppl up to taste the drink....
then the chairman of the formal dining started picking faults with the Mr Vice(the one who makes the concoction)....
then he was punished to drink five drink of the alcohol....
and then he was spared and he could ask five ppl to help....

this guy is one of the lieutanents tat spoke to me at the reception....

yeah u can guess it... he highlighted my mistake and there i was, explaining myself in front of the whole dining mass....... then it got bad..... other ppl were dragged in....

I then made another mistake of not saving a 'fine' lady from drinking....

then somehow, i become a target board for the big boss.... i was being scolded for the mistakes i made.... real bad.... the 'grave grave' mistakes i made.....

and then things just go downhill and down hill b4 i could stop it....
spare the details.....

i was punished and drank three alcoholic with chilli sauce.... funny they tink...
not a bit for me....
yes i made my mistakes.....
first i am like a deer caught in headlights....
then i explain myself and then my excuse wasnt gd enuff...
and then i did not volunteer myself for things i should...

i was trying to just take it... and swallow it and forget abt it...
but it just keep spiralling in my mind....

i start to think if those mistakes were really ones i couldnt make....
i start to tink whether there is problems with my moral values....
i start to think why i didnt handle it well...

i am an officer .... i should be ready to take this kind of thing but i was not....

i admit i was nervous and maybe scared when i was facing the crowd of eyes....

not good.... not what i should be...

yea i keep pondering..... what wrong did i do?.... what i must change?
how come i was caught in that situation?

that night i told myself.... think about it tonight... stop thinking abt it tomm....
move on...

well i didnt... still disturbed and affected....

so i wrote it here....
in my life, i couldnt make any kind of mistakes.... like the one above.... i dun understand...
maybe heaven is trying to make me learn something.... but i not sure wat....
from now , i need to pay heed to details..... never count on luck and last of all, never hesitate to do correct things....

hmmm.....one of the embarassing moment in my life.... do one really grow stronger after failures and mistakes??.... i feel like crumbling and falling to pieces before my failures and mistakes....

Disappear

2010-01-14T21:32:00.000-08:00

Somehow i got the feeling i gg to disappear for a while.... ORD don't mean the end but the beginning.... haha...

New year 2010!

2010-01-03T22:46:00.000-08:00

i count down in camp, saw fireworks on tv, ate ateamboat with my man. didnt had a great time though.... hours before 2010 came, my camp own vehicle crashed into a place we are supposed to be protecting...HAHA.... joke....

Then after countdown, at 1 am plus, black out.....got to run ard.... so tired...

wat a gd way to start a yr.....haha

But i am still having hope for this yr....cause i am gg to ord soon....
yea... finally...... i can see it....

Christmas and new year

2009-12-26T22:52:00.000-08:00

I have watched tons of movies....haha.... exaggerating... but i watched feng yun, new moon, avatar and sherlock holmes within one month.... movie after movie...

i prononuce on 27 dec 14 54.... i am officially broke....

haha....

christmas was a huge chaos.... my father side and my mother side relatives came over to my house for a gathering...It was super flooded with ppl.... all rooms occupied... it was hard to entertain the guests when they were everywhere.... kids running, screaming, laughing....

i have no choice....

go out watch movie...HAHAHAHA....

i went with my cousins to watch avatar....FIRST ROW.... my neck almost couldnt make it... i kind fated to watch movie at first row.... i have watched a lot of 'first row movies'.... at least 4 (incredible, ye wen, the day after tomm, avatar, blood the last vamp and more).... cannot tahan.... but avatar was nice....=)

my house now have to hold three families... a huge no of ppl(15 pax).... in one room slept 5 persons.... haha... typically we have to wait for toliets and the clothes hanging out for drying were uncountable....hahaha.....

first time i sleep half on mattress and half on the floor.... no choice....haha

everytime my young cousins come to my house.... there is bound to be some collateral damage to my property.... i locked and kept most of precious items but some i failed to 'protect'....
the psp , the teddy tortise, the hat and the computer.....
it was to some extent miused or suffered torment by the ruthless hands of young kids...hahaha....

they are natural destroyers and i dun blame them.... and they are full of energy.... u cannot never outlast them if u try to guard your property....haha...( any more description of them... you will start to think if they came straight out of jurassic park...LOL....)

kids are shrew.... they have a way of getting hands on the things they want... they will use the soft approach and if it fails, here comes the ultimate weapon.....CRY......haha...haiz.... they win....

so somehow, my property will be reduced by a considerable amt when they leave.... standard...

It is fun and enjoyable when you have so much ppl in your house and add colours to your monotonouus life....
but beware of too much' colours'.....

finally i get to celebrate my christmas.... but i gg to count down to 2010 in my 'beloved' camp.... again i am gg to spend another significant moment in camp...

haha.... my resolution for 2010??

Be a happy person with a defined goal.... less worries, less waiting, more luck and time to spare and spend.....

BE MYSELF. (haha...)

Fear

2009-12-17T04:20:00.000-08:00

Recently, i made my first record(s) of watching two movies in a day, watching same movie two times and first time pay so little for watching two movies in a roll.... (i paid $7.50 to watch two movies consecutively for two persons)....wahahaha

Watch Feng Yun 2 TWICE....WTH.... CUI MOVIE...... didnt managed to convince my bro tat it sux...he dun believe it until............... we walked out of tat cinema...
then watched new moon.... 10 mins later straight after the sucky movie....new moon quite nice.....
Everything ended nicely with the word 'Shag'....
HAHA.....

Ok..... learning journey starts again....

First movie , i learn that even with the best graphics and characters, a movie without story will have no soul...... haha... (can be applied to my comics)

Second is more impt..... about fear.....

i have too much fears.... too much considerations ... too much worries....
Waiting, sleeping and worrying took up 99% of human life ....1% to prove the quality of your life.... cut the waiting and worrying , you will gain more quality time in your life....

i fear trouble...
Fear of responsibility...
Fear of ppl stronger and smarter than me...
Fear of losing someone or something.....
Fear of throw face
Fear of losing
Fear of dying
Fear of many more...

Too many fears ( many i cant speak abt)......

When you start to fear, you hesitate and you start to waver.... many times, this crushed thousands and millions of opportunites.....
Too much fear makes you lose more and obstructs you from moving forward...
Think less , act more... Many opportunities you will be able to hold in your hand...

BUT....

Many things is never one sided, always contradicting.... Fear is a human instinct who defines who we are..... man without fear is one that dun cherish the things he alr have.....
Too little consideration, you made one wrong step, you regret the rest of your life.....
Consequences is the reason y you worry and fear... but it will definitely make you make rational decisions by weighing the consequences...

Fear is a habit.... a reflex action....

Fear of your own fears....weaknessess....

My fear is now my weakness.... it made me lose too many chances, made me doubt myself too many times and made me a protective person....

i need to get rid all my fears and made the decisive step forward....bcos i waver too long and eventually i fall....

' you will never know until you try'

My conclusion is
Make correct judgement at the correct time. Risk more to gain more.... Be prepared to lose what you risk..... This is how a great man should be.

Clubbing at Zouk

2009-12-04T04:19:00.000-08:00

Thurs night was a new exposure and experience for me... thx to Renes...Haha.... went to zouk for clubbing ...
omg... ( you all must be thinking that you all see wrongly)
But yea thats the truth....

Erm went there... a lot of people.... asked a few stupid question like 'how can so many ppl fit into such a small place?'

Wasnt as what i expected until the later part....Boomz...hahaha

I cant dance... block head... did my best....

Took a good look ard because i think it is the first and last time i am gg to be there...(hope so)

But is is really eye opening for me...

( oh ya... there are some unspoken rules that apply in clubs... interesting...)

Haha..... overall experience still not bad la....

Uni life vs Army life

2009-11-28T01:17:00.000-08:00

Went to swimming today... wah.... so long nvr swim.... swim like 10 laps... seems a hundred to me.... my joints machiam like gg to break....HAHA

Look like i needs more exercise... but i think it is too late... IPPT next week... how how.... confirm fail alr....haha..... not fail la... but cant get gold...

Now i am more troubled over the uni matters... should i start early and study extra modules ??
and the MONEY!!!!.... wth...

i tink of studying and it became such a stranger thing to me... hahaha... i forgot most of the knowledge studied in schools ....

HAHA... when start studying , sure die one....lol....

Leaving my past

2009-11-20T04:10:00.000-08:00

I just went back to my old camp at Safti MI to do sai kang and i just think back to my life in OCS.... what fond memories... unforgettable..... so many valuable lessons that i learnt and forgot....Haha...
Things are usually not fun when you do it... i believe it is when you suffer, then you start to find things meaningful after the whole event.... Painful memories stays the longest and teaches the most things in life...HAHA...

but i dun like to suffer...who does??...haha

so long never write blog alr... i believe it is the reason that i dont find the purpose... nothing learnt ... thus nothing to talk about....

lol....

Recently i just found ppl around me are all (...almost all) attached... usually i am nonchalant to such things....

Haiz... BUT u cant just ignore things when they are right in front of your eyes...

i watch 2012 and i start to think(again)....haha... the movie is about 'the end of world' which many ppl just dun believe until it happens....'Stubborn' will be the word you use....

I always think i was born to be this way.... everything will happen when it is supposed to...

Haha.... STUBBORN thinking....

i dunno whether it is really a prob.... but it is definitely making its impact on me now...(thx to those attached ppl... thx ah)... haha

I met a lot of wonderful and good girls in my life.... Many that went past my life like a cloud....

I was searching... no.... waiting....

The wait was long and tedious.....

stupid uh.....

i am lik tat.... sad to say... cant really do much abt that....

They hunt , but i wait.....

i always believe that only one key will fit into one lock.... and both will naturally find each other...

Was i wrong??
( pls dun scold me stupid...HAHAHA)

Funny Cats

2009-10-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IytNBm8WA1c

To all who love cats.....

The Distance 2.

2009-10-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

Haha... if you read my blog from the start , you all should have read my short story...
~The Distance~...
now is the continuation...haha...

~The Distance 2~

The cold winter winds reaps past and took all the warm air to the sky, then shattering into little pieces of white. The snow fell like beautiful petals , slowly covering all the open ground and roofs. Gerald truts through the thick snow, making deep grooves along the trail. The 'réalité' signboard stood at the end of the road as it weathered through the cycles of seasons.Worn out and faded after all its tribulations. He hugged himself tight, slowly making his way forward as the wind howls fiercely. The street still looks the same but some people has left their houses for warmth at other places. The glass windows are frosted and misty. Roofs are covered in thick layers of cream-like snow. Abandoned wooden carts along the paved street became home to desperate stray animals. A few people clothed in fur coats hurried past and ignored all that was around. Cold and lonely it was.

Gerald no longer works at the mining area. The rocks has collapsed and made his only life occupation disappear from the surface of earth. He left the job and the job left him the pair of soot-covered hands in sympathy. He has no fighting spirit, no determination, no heart and no purpose in life. Gerald finally reached the place. It was never different from the past. The same old piano shop that his angel resides in.

An old man staggered along the street carrying a wooden container with leather straps over his shoulders.Hot steam slowly rises from the cloth covering the container.With a coarse and crisp voice, the old man called out for any customers to buy the hot potatoes in the cold biting weather. The burnt and aromatic smell of roasted potatoes drifted in the air, prickling the noses of the lost souls around. It is far more than just pleasant to the homeless and the hungry.Gerald never had a proper meal for more than three days. The roasted potatoes were a strong temptation. The strong delicious smell triggered his rumbles and war in his empty stomach. He drove his frost bitten hands into the pocket and turned out a few pathetic pennies. No. He couldn't even afford one. It was a torture. Gerald bit his lips to fight the hunger. Finally, Gerald and the old man crossed paths. Trying his best to ignore the old man, Gerald struggles to stay put in the thick layer of snow.

The old man tapped Gerald and asked in a matter-of-fact manner whether he is interested in buying his potatoes. Within such a close distance, the warmth of the potatoes spread to Gerald, engulfing him.The aroma is now irresistible. At this critical moment, the body wins over the mind. With a sharp jerk, he snatched the box of potatoes violently from the old man and swept him to the ground. The old man growls in pain and called out loudly for help. In panic, Gerald ran forward clumsily and a few hot potatoes fell along the way. Behind him , he could see from the corner of his eye that two middle-aged guys has reacted to the old man's scream and now turned towards him. Gerald's heart beats with trepidation as adrenaline rushed through his whole body. He ran into the small alley by the side of the street, hoping to hide from the two man before they could spot him.

~~ to be continued...

i passed FTT...yay!...HAHA...

Rewind

2009-10-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

I stayed at home for one whole week... a break from my hectic army life... not really hectic anw....
Now studying for my FTT.... so boring la... but i am looking forward to the day i have my own driving liscense...HAHA.... it was more of a trend-following rather than the reason that i love driving...i dun really like driving...

But it is a big convenience if u know how to...haha....
Money has never been an issue for me to worry about until i enter army and start looking around and see many of my friends earning loads of money... ( i am not doing too bad too, occifer pay wat) ....
haha... but i start worrying about... money!?.... houses, car, my parents, my studies, my future job....

When i was young, my belief was that everything has been set in place for me, whats there for me to worry abt??

Guess i was wrong then....

haha... anw i start thinking about two different logic that i have learnt in my life....

First---- You should learn to love the job you are doing and not search for a job you love doing....

Second--- Life is short and if you were to find a job, find one you are passionate about....

BOTH are correct , depending on how you look at it...
For the first one,
it is true becuase this world IS realistic... there is no perfect opporturnity, no perfect people to work with and no perfect job to have.....
if it is a job, it will definitely have something that you worry abt and dislike abt....
So the best way to survive is to ADAPT......
this how all humans are created.... we have been adapting to this world for millions and billions of years... thats how we survive......

Love any job you do and you will survive.... realistic view of life....

For the second,
It is more about your perspective of life. Life is so short and there is people expects a lot of you( see my prev blog)... You always do things that pleases other people and find a job that everyone in the world feels that you should be in ... BECAUSE it is good for you....
BUT if it is a job that you dislike and you will be unhappy doing it, then when is the meaning of life if you are searching for happiness??

If you passionate about your job, then everything in your life will feel so diff, cause you are doing something you like... there is an invisible motivational force to push you to excel in the job you do...
It doesnt feel like a chore or a job ....

You get simple joy from simple things..... If you focus on getting money so much, it is possible that you forgot the fact that you wants to be happy...

Life can end today, tomm, the next month or yr or maybe this instant....
THIS is the truth....
what you can achieve until now should be something you will never regret about....
Life is never about the destination but more of the process...

But we can never forget how practical this world can get... your most passionate job may not be earning money at all....

SEE!!!!!! this two logic contradicts each other and it is rather disturbing....
i have been thinking, if i was born an artist, i should be one....
But the more realistic part of me... will want to study uni and be earning money like everyone else......

haha..... look far think far.....

Tell me an ans.

LIFE EXPECTANCY....

2009-10-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

Once in a long while, there comes a speech or book or film that underscores the importance of doing the important things in life. The best books are those that best state what you already know, and this is the kind of speech that states what we already largely know about life, in such a compelling oratory that makes its mark on the readers.

This is Adrian Tanás speech at the convocation of students at the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information (NTU).Adrian Tan is a litigation partner at Drew & Napier LLC.

LIFE AND HOW TO SURVIVE IT

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address.Itás a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation.I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one.She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living.She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator.Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are.I make my living being disagreeable.Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home.

That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men:when youáve already won her heart, you donát need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life.
Some of you may already be married.
Some of you may never be married.
Some of you will be married.
Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times.
Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. Youáre done learning.

Youáve probably been told the big lie that áLearning is a lifelong processá
and that therefore you will continue studying and taking mastersá degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on.
You know the sort of people who tell you that?
Teachers.
Donát you think there is some measure of conflict of interest?
They are in the business of learning, after all.Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that theyáre wrong.

The bad news is that you donát need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone.
That may come as a shock to some of you. Youáre in your teens or early twenties.People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people.
But Iám here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy.
We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long.
We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless.
Thereás very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup.
Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years.
Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that youáll have another 40 years to go.
Four decades in which to live long and prosper.
Bad news.
Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when theyáre 50, 40, 30 years old.
Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation.
They would be very disappointed that they didnát meet their life expectancy.

Iám here to tell you this.
Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, itás calculated based on an average.
And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family.
You are told that, as graduates,
you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you.
And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people.
I have nothing against average people.
But no one should aspire to be them.

And you donát need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Lifeás a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it.
Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it.
Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment.
Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Donát expect anything. Erase all life expectancies.
Just live. Your life is over as of today.
At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look.

This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.
What does this mean for you?It is good that your life is over.
Since your life is over, you are free.
Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do.By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills.

The Japanese have a term áKaroshiá, which means death from overwork.Thatás the most dramatic form of how work can kill.
But it can also kill you in more subtle ways.
If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until thereás nothing left.A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

Thereás a common misconception that work is necessary.You will meet people working at miserable jobs.They tell you they are ámaking a livingá.
No, theyáre not.
Theyáre dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free.
The slogan áArbeit macht freiá was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps.Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort.

You may never reach that end anyway.Resist the temptation to get a job.
Instead, play.Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again.
You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often.
Soon, that will have value in itself.I like arguing, and I love language.

So, I became a litigator.I enjoy it and I would do it for free.If I didnát do that, I wouldáve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction á probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do?You will find your own niche.
I donát imagine you will need to look very hard.

By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do.
In fact, Iáll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions.

By this time you should know what your obsessions are.If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.
Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession.Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm.
If you donát, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication.To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth.
Iám not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things.
The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth
.Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating.There is also great skill.
Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences.

It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it.
That requires great frankness to yourself.
Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth.

I now say this to you: be hated.

Itás not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you?
Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many.
That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated.In fact, itás often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by oneás own convictions.
It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions.Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average.

That cannot be your role.

There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself.Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didnát say ábe lovedá.That requires too much compromise.I
f one changes oneás looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being.It may seem odd for me to tell you this.You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false.

Modern society is anti-love. Weáve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings.
It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise.
Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance.
It is hard work á the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits.There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness.
In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way.
We learn the truth worthlessness of material things.We celebrate being human.
Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person.
Despite popular culture, love doesnát happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor.
It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming.
It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated.
You are not doing it to be loved back.
Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone.
You either donát, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology.
It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Donát work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

Youáre going to have a busy life.

Thank goodness thereás no life expectancy.

~~~~~
if you finish reading it... good for you...(very long lo)
hope you all learn something from this.....
See the way you are living now....

dun conform to watever u think your life should be.....

'Just live. Your life is over as of today.'

Race to ORD

2009-10-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

haha... stupid title but i bet this is what most 20 yrs old guys are doing...HAHA...
i still cant count down to mine... sad....

Salvation

2009-09-28T22:04:00.001-07:00

In darkness, you are my light

In sorrow, you are my hope

World will not change you

Nor will it change my faith

I shall believe in only you

I shall do all just for you

For your words are my commands

Sacrifice I will do without hesitate

I may cry, I may fallen

But I shall never falter

If I keep holding to you till the end of my journey

I know you will grant me salvation

~~~~~ nice artwork~~~~~

Boredom is blessing

2009-09-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

Currently , my life is stagnant with the usual irritating hiccups that caught you unaware and you just have to make do with it... nothing that motivates me to really go on...not even a single little thing that is motivating... haha peharps ORD....HAHA!
anw i am finally making the first step to driving.... i got my BTT date... tues.... HAHA... i always say want to to start learning... but empty words only...
now finally.....

hope i can pass though....if fail , very 'throw face'....HAHA

nothing very interesting to update... except i just watched '9' recently... err.. not very impressive... but it is a unique perspective....

~~~~~
i feel that human race is deteriorating while the technology kept on advancing....
because we are more and more dependent on electronics and technology....
We solved problem in a more easier way and thus we ourselves start to neglect the capabilities of human kind.

Now.... we rather take transports and wheels than use our own legs to move...
we use machines to replace labour.... we use electronics appliances to handle daily chores... we leave everything to technology and left nothing for ourselves.

In the past, human dont fall sick easily... now we depend a lot on our docs....
in the past, we talk face to face....and shook hands to show sincerity...
but now 3G phone, web cam etc etc....

Everything is better...Yes... But how about humans?; we are weaker and weaker as we find comfort for ourselves....

Soon, a storm will sweep past and there will be nothing left of us......

A Letter

2009-09-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

~To the one i truly lost...

I always wonder and ponder upon the reason why we met in the first place, why we even get to know each other , how strangers become frens and how my eyes met yours.
I look into the future, into your eyes and saw the two of us.
Sad to day, the happiness lingers until it fades away into faint memories of null.
The very reason why i chose to grab on to a passing hope to know a stranger and bring you into my world is truly the reason why i exist in this world.
I believe in fate because there is nothing else i can believe in. I believe in you because i have to.

Everytime i meet you is more of a dream than a reality. Before i see you, i always tell myself , i must remember ur face and who you are to me. I must.
The very second my eyes recognise you, my resolve dissipate into the air. I live in the dream of reality. I cant seem to be the man i want to.

The moment i leave, i have already forgotten how you look like, no matter how hard i try to recall. It is the same feeling as that you wake up from a faded dream and you try very hard to remember what your dream is about. You will never succeed. Cause it was meant to be this way.

A fine line between dream and reality. Sometimes, the feeling sets in and i could feel that there is always a hope worth waiting for. Sometimes, i lose myself and nothing matters anymore.

A question...We live for ourselves or live for the sake of others?

If you say we live for the sake of ourselves, then what if everyone in this world don't exist? Does ur life means anything at all... I always believe it is the people around you that defines who you are...

But if you say you live for the sake of others, then what value does your life holds to you?? Don't lose yourself they say.

I live for the sake of hope and happiness and for you.

A lot of things in this world cannot be explained. but some things in this world need not be explained. When you try to understand everything, you realise you loses a lot along the way.

I believe one day, me and you will meet. In dream or in reality. When that day comes, i would have understand why me and you exist.... Why my eyes met yours ...

And why we are not strangers but frens....

~From the one that cannot understand why....

Compilation

2009-09-17T22:49:00.000-07:00

very long nvr touch the blog... aiya... busy busy busy...

HAHA...

ok... lets start from my birthday...

went to celebrate tgt with my sec school clique... the Lamers...
i am the lamest one u see...

i nvr celebrate my birthdays until i went JC....
it is a true blessing to have friends who celebrate with you...

HAHA... i really thank them for making my birthday special.......

we went to bugis to sing k... at first want to go top one....
but fully booked... so we wandered to iluma and just nice, k suitez is having 70% discount...
errr.... then we sang there all the way to 7 pm...

HAHA.. quite fun....

i also received my favorite shoes as birthday present from my mum and bro...
haha...

and a Wonderful lee cooper shirt from my indian fren, mu mu....
HAHA

So much fun and happiness....

My Life before i was born as who i am.

2009-09-03T23:34:00.000-07:00

I always wonder who i am in the past if there is really such thing as reincarnation....recently my imagination kicks in and i got a very unique impression of my past life.
lets see...

~My Past life~
I was born in japan at a samurai village where every man is a warrior. I was destined to be a samurai. There was no other path but this.
Samurai were well-known throughout the world as the strongest warriors with infallible strength.
Since young , i have excelled in all skills and capabilities that a samurai should have.
I have talent in swordplay. too powerful for my age at 9 years old.
I never flaunt my skills but nobody dares to bully me cause they know i have what it takes to protect myself.
Ever since, i have taken part in many sword fight challenges and competitions.

But none i win.

It is because i was weak. i never find the courage to deliver the last blow to my opponent.
A crucial mistake that give them a chance to strike back , hard and deadly.

I was the strongest and yet the weakest Samurai. How ironic.

As years goes by , i learnt how to face reality and fight like a true warrior. I won many battles and killed many enemies. I was born to do this. That is my fate.

However, Heroes are lonely.

i never find true love cause i can never put down my ego and pride to tell the girl that i love her.
A curse, a weakness and a cruel destiny.
The harder i try to overcome something, the more likely i will fail.
The samurai stands alone, trying to fight what he cannot see.
I always think that i was bound to fail in the end and die under the hands of my nemesis.

Cause i has a weak heart and a will that breaks like a cracked glass.
I will lose because i cant trust myself.

But, miracle does happens because nothing is absolute. I finally see the hope and i triumph with the nemesis sword in hand.

I was fighting for victory cause i do not want to have any regrets in my life.

I won because my will and determination is stronger than his.

I won beacuse i haven told the girl that i love her.

I won because i knew i would.

This is 'Bushido'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Inspiration from " The Last Samurai"

* Bushido- means 'the way of warrior'

"Those who are reluctant to give up their lives and embrace death are not true warriors.... Go to the battlefield firmly confident of victory, and you will come home with no wounds whatever. Engage in combat fully determined to die and you will be alive; wish to survive in the battle and you will surely meet death. When you leave the house determined not to see it again you will come home safely; when you have any thought of returning you will not return. You may not be in the wrong to think that the world is always subject to change, but the warrior must not entertain this way of thinking, for his fate is always determined."

'Once you have hope, you can just keep going. Because you can see what you are fighting for.'

Haha... thats it. too 'creative' you might think ... i dun noe la...

My imagination is far greater than what i am.

haha.

Honest dreams

2009-08-25T22:15:00.001-07:00

Only one word to describe the way i feel about my life now.... Tired.
recently sleep very late ... around 2 plus then wake up at 6...

they always say young ppl very energetic tats y can slp very late and wake up very early w/o feeling tired..

TATS BULLSHIT!

haha... or maybe it is just me....
lol!

i also realised i am now very outdated about the life outside of army... feel so detached...
got new singlish language which i dun noe... got new places that i have never walk before...
got new culture i never seen before....

y now i am more like in prison??...HAHA

(anw even if in the past, i am not very updated about this things also)HAHAHAHA

-.-lll....

kena ps by frens who said they wan to go iceskating .... last min say dun wan and nvr tell me...sad...

then ask ppl out but...haiz.... sry menx......

my army frens always says i am too 'by-right'...
i never take risks.... a person who is too honest...

Very often, i make myself suffer because i believe that is wat i should do.... nobody see or knows but i believe it is my job to do so.... they always says it is very dumb.... cause suffer for nothing..

i dun noe... perhaps i am too 'antique'

wat a word too true...

"honest people have honest dreams"

Confused

2009-08-17T02:04:00.000-07:00

I really dun like the way the things goes on around me... sometimes you just dun noe what to do with ur problems... swallow it or spit it out....

i am more like a black hole ... just take in everything....

haha... tats y i always dun speak to others about my 'world'...

very self protective i would say....

i miss the times i had frens by me and that i had no problems that bothers me more than three days.... once upon a time...hahaha

i miss just buying things that i like...

i miss the feeling of being dependent on someone....

i dun wan to stand alone in my life....

OK OK... apart from that emo side...

Went out of camp to go for the comic and toy exhibition at suntec...

it wasnt as impressive as the last time but it still shows the same tempting tablets that i wanna buy and no money to buy... u noe those that u can directly draw on it.. cool sia...

really look forward to the day i really had a chance to fulfill my dream...

my future is a mystery...

HAHA....

The low point of life.

2009-08-11T23:02:00.000-07:00

Just a few days , i was pissed off with my guys, disappointed at some of the things that they fail to do. I actually feel disturbed and stressed when i have to punish them. Kept all the anger in my mind and then burst out at them. I see the morale fall and those sad faces. I appreciate those that follows my words and wonder why some of them just dun learn. Why dont people learn from their mistakes?

I always wonder if it is my fault. I know i am not a very good leader. As my bro says, i make a good soldier than a good commander. I am too soft hearted. I believe so. But my heart always speaks reason. If i cant find it logical, i cant set myself to it. I live by reason.

But life dont always have reason, peharps thats where i fail.

Something out of Ordinary

2009-08-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

Now i am always doing the same thing over and over again... the routine of everything makes you feel that u r lik trapped in a cycle... u cant seem to find a motivation to continue...... thats the hard part about my job... i bet my man are feeling the same...

plus all the shit that drop on me... haiz... it just sux man...

yest i want to go to chinatown and i went on board a train at jurong east. then the announcement came...' *din deng* the train is delayed due to a train fault. we apologise for the inconveniece caused... i was like ' wa sianzzzzz'

after 20 to 30 mins of struggle, they finally forced everyone to alight.... then i went straight to the bus interchange and anyhow go on board on a bus thats says chinatown and off i go without knowing where to stop...

HAHA if it was in the past , i would never have done that... quite reckless....

saw the familiar outram park mrt station... straight away alighted and took mrt again...

LOL!!

then at chinatown, u noe always got those old aunties that go around to sell tissue papers....
then got this auntie with a big plastic bag of tissue paper came to me...
i was trying to reject her ... but she was rattling about her son and me as a soldier earning very little pay( i was wearing my army uniform), then something her husbad , then she just to give me the tissue paper....
i was like asking her how much and she just insisted that i take it... she kept rambling on like a machine gun.... i couldnt slot my words in...
i finally gave in and took the seven packs of tissue papers that she stuffed into my hand...
i didnt really know what to do....
first thing, my army pay is not very little...lol....
and i really dunno how to convince her to let me pay or reject her offer....

guilty sia... tried to find her afterwards to try to return.... but didnt see her ard.....

hmmm ... it just make me think of kindness in this world.... is there really people that give their all without expecting a return???

i bet that the tissue papers meant a lot to the old auntie..... haiz... and she gave them to me....

qoute of the day-- "An act of Kindness makes the world a brighter place."

NDP blues...

2009-08-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

NDP coming but i am feeling damn sianz because there is a lot more things for me to do... i realise my energy span is relative to my handphone battery... if my hp gg to be low batt, it roughly means i am very tired also... LOL... cause everytime book out, my hp batt is low, my energy lvl also low...hahaha...

Recently, just busy rotting in camp and the H1N1 is definitely irritaing... everytime someone sick, i will jump... worries everywhere.. haiz.....

Eclipse

2009-07-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

Another three days to eclipse.... it just made me tot the story tat i wrote before... a sad one..
It is fated to be this way...
I believe the eclipse will signify the loss of the moon...
Forever.

-the wolf-

The distance (Last)

2009-07-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

~~ The owner looks into the distance and gripped his specs tightly.' Reves is my daughter and she has left very long ago due to my mistake. It was my mistake. Mine!' The old man bit down hard and fought back the tears. His knuckles turned white from gripping his specs. ' She.. ne...never... c..came back...' he struggled with these words and he made a forlorn attempt to wipe away the guilt in his words and tone. But his despair has already clinged onto him the day her daughter left. The poor coal miner was taken aback by these words and he was speehless after listening to the confession of the old man. The old man trembled as he buried his face in his hands and lumbered back into his sanctuary. The young man was lost in despair as he watched his tear dripped onto the wooden floor slowly being absorbed , leaving behind only a dark stain.

His dream never existed from the beginning. His angel was never there for him. That was fate. He just couldnt believe it. Every night, he still went to the shop and watched his angel from outside. But this time, he never try to enter and look for her because it was all his illusion and he never wants it to disappear. He was afraid that one day his angel will really disappear for good. One fateful day. There she was, playing the piano intently. Such beauty.

The thin glass screen divides the distance between him and her. The distance that is so great that he can never find her. So near yet so far.

It was this distance. The distance between two lovers.

The distance.

~(END)~

The distance (Part 3)

2009-07-15T01:48:00.000-07:00

~~After that night, the young man wanted to get to his angel more than ever. He has never fell in love with anyone before because he never dared to. He couldnt promise his life partner anything. He is just a coal miner. With no future, no goal and no proper life. He couldnt give happiness to his other half. He hides in his world so that he can fend for himself and bring no misery to his twin soul. But love is a very special thing. The night he saw her when he passes the shop, everything falls apart. It was painful to let go of his beloved angel. He struggles to keep away from her. But it was impossible. Impossible.

Since then , every night, he went to find his angel but she always left the moment when he enters the shop. Depressed, he began to wonder if it was meant to be that way. One day, the young man finally went to the shop and confronts the owner to ask if he knew anything about the girl. But, the owner was ignoring him and concentrates on the newspaper he was reading. The young man was furious so he went outside the shop and sat right in front of the door. The owner shouted at the young man and demanded him to leave. But he was determined and he just sat there, rigid. After long hours, the poor owner finally relented and walked over to the door. He removed his thick specs and wiped them as he spoke solemnly,
'Her name is Rêve ( Dream in french)'~~

To be continued....

Haiz... i have a dream too, an unfulfilled one........

The distance( Part 2)

2009-07-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

~He took a deep breath and grabbed the door knob with his filthy hand. The door creaked as he opened it slowly. The bright yellow light envelops his eyes as he took a while to adjust to it. He could hear no melody from inside. Perhaps she has stopped for a rest. The air was warmer inside and it has a tingling wood scent that probably came from the old instruments lying around in the shop. The wind charm jingled as the cold wind pushed its way into the shop. He looked around and saw old saxophones that has lost its shine and lustre, old violins and guitars that gathers a thin layer of dust on the wood surface. The interior of the shop gave a very historical feel and atmosphere. The owner of the shop looks up as the unexpected guest that intrudes his delicate shop. The owner who was in his sixties, lifted his thick spectacles so that he could take a good look at this 'guest' from nowhere. He snorted as he saw the black footprints left behind by the unwanted coal miner. But he made no effort to chase away the young man.

The young man did not even notice the shop owner. He wanders deeper into the shop, in search of his angel. His mind starts to think about what to say to his angel. Confused and nervous he was. He finally reached the heart of the shop where the old piano resides. He was going to confess everything in his mind to his angel. This is the moment where his dream will no longer be a dream. He took a deep breath.

Empty. It was empty. The seat was vacant. No trace of the angel. No music. The lonely piano stood alone in the centre . The girl in the white dress was not there anymore. The young man frantically looked around, hoping to see the girl somewhere in the shop. However, there was no sight of her. All words in his mind has fell into abyss. The young man walked quickly to the counter and asked the owner if he has seen a girl in a white dress with light blue hue. The owner looked at him with wide eyes, offering no answer to him. There was a long pause. Then the old man glanced downwards and answered, ' She left.' The young man was baffled by the owner answer and then he saw the back door of the shop ajar. The young man nodded and trudged out of the door reluctantly. The owner looked up after the young man left. He just shook his head and sighed.~~

To be continued...

heyo... this is the second part... haha... a story with an ending that can change anytime... fun ar...
Any idea to contribute my story, feel free to tell me...HAHA...

The distance.

2009-07-10T04:37:00.000-07:00

~ Every night, after he finished his gruelling work at the coal mine, he ran bare footed towards the city lights. Running pasts numerous street lamps that shone old yellow light. Light then darkness then light then darkness...

Panting real hard but he never stops. He knew he has to make it in time. He never did. But a mysterious force just kept him going everyday. Now he could hear his heartbeats drumming in his ears and he was sweating profusely. All of the air was almost sucked out of his lungs, his body starts to cry out in agony. But he grabbed his heaving chest and pushed on.

The rows of street lamps and the shops along the gravel road never seems to end. But he knew every single shop as he ran past them. He was all too familiar with the route. Finally, he saw the right turn in front with a signboard writing the street name 'réalité' ( reality). He managed a little heave of relief as he made a sharp turn into it. There were a few people around packing up old boxes of furniture and closing their shops. Most the shops were already shrouded in darkness as if they have blended into the serene darkness of the night. Lights was flicked off in some shops as the young man breaks into a jog towards the one he was looking for.

It was lit up with bright yellow lights. It was the only shop that was still opened at this hour. Old wooden door and large glass screen separates the street from the lonely shop. It was clear and transparent where people could look into the shop and glance at the old instruments that the owner put on sale. Old saxophones, old violins and just one old piano... He breathed hard as he edged closer to the shop. He watched intently as he found what he was looking for. He smiled. He tried very hard to control his breath as if he was afraid that his breathing will betray his presence. He couldnt take his eyes off the beautiful scene in front of him. It was not an instrument he was looking for.

A beautiful girl with neatly tied up hair sat in front of the one and only piano that was right in the middle of the shop. She was in a white long dress with light blue hue. Her defined features and the lovely almond eyes are the most attractive and alluring. She was natural looking and simply angelic in the eyes of the young man. He hesitates to take a step nearer as he did not dare to get the attention of his angel on him. As always. But today, He made a promise to himself that he must do it. No more hiding nor waiting. But, it was easier said than done.

The girl played the old wooden piano intently as if she was immersed in a world of her own. The beauty lies in her smooth motion as her fingers ran along the whites and blacks of the piano. The man has finally picked up the courage to at least walk up to the glass screen. He raised his hands up and then hesitates. He looked down at his hands which were covered in soot and dirt from the coal mining. He then decides against the idea of putting his hands on the clean glass panel.

No melody could be heard from outside the shop. The girl was lost in her own music world and did not notice the presence of the young man outside the shop. She just kept on playing in a graceful manner on the ancient piano. He could not bear to go in and disturb her world. Then he realised that he has to. He must. Many things ran through his mind.

The countless nights that he ran just to get a glimpse of this girl that he never get to know. He fell in love with her before he even get to know her. It was more than love at first sight. He knew he belongs to her and she to him. She was meant for him he thought. Definitely. It was a unspeakable truth that has no explanation and needs none. His heart beats furiously even though he has stopped panting from the run. It was the anticipation of the moment that pumps adrenaline in his body. He loves her so much before he even met her. So much.

He felt extremely nervous as now he made his way to the wooden door of the shop. This moment. This feeling. This heartbeat. He looked down at the knob of the door that leads to her world and his dream. Time seems to stop at this particular moment.

~~~

To be continued...

Written by: Tan Xiang Ren

Haha... suddenly i just has the inspiration to write a love story even though my english sucks...
Hopefully i didnt wrote it too badly....LOL!....
i didnt write in the ending cause i dun noe what i want it to be yet...

An Angel

2009-07-06T06:06:00.000-07:00

A Rainy Day

An Umbrella

An Angel

but no Wings

Treading lightly

In faded dreams

Forgotten hopes

Raining and Pounding

Never-ending.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rested enough and finally got out of camp to catch up with my frens.

Very tired but still went out with them to mac. haha... when you r very tired, it is easy to drift away to another land of yours. Dreams and reality will mix.

Today morn i was woken up by a call by my men and he just wanna tell me he collect medicine from a chinese doc....

Wa Kao... i dun even noe whether to be angry or amused by his call...

haha... after tat went to orchard... catch up with fren... Roamed aimlessly...

then went back and had a deep slp through the nice cold weather....

Recently in camp, i went to cut rambutans and other fruits. suddenly we become farmers....

It was fun though... excluding the raining of red ants from the tree...

Simple joy from little things.

Hahaha...

I am like a block of wood, erm ... maybe concrete...lol....

Very insensitive to ppl ard...

i cant sense ppl emotions well...

very slow before i realise the problems and stress that ppl are going thru...

Super insensitve.....

i know my flaws but i just dun seem to be able to change them...

it is inherent or maybe i am just afraid to change....

That is a lot of fear in me...in this concrete body .....

Only emo ppl blog... i guess i cant run away from the fact that i am...

the day that i finally stop typing will be the day i find my happiness...

HAHA... don't you agree...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Ring

A Promise

To myself

Self restrained

To stop falling.

Life is like that

2009-07-01T23:52:00.002-07:00

Started another new one cause some requested me to continue to blog...
haha... i really dun understand y...

Inspiring... i hope...

Recently really just wanna ignore everything... now the thunder is roaring as i type...Seems like it doesnt want me type...

Today is my bro birthday... but i didnt really do anything for him , just treat him to lunch and did nothing else... didnt noe what to do... plus the weather so intimidating..

haizz... indecisive of me... always hestitate to make decisions... say it in a better way is that i am easy going...haha... but that isnt true....

wanna watch ice age 3... but somehow i just couldnt find ppl to go watch... looks like i gotta wait...
and wait....and wait...

HAHA... is it a crime to watch movie alone??
i want to try... BUT so weird...

anw thx to those who gave me compliments... appreciate that....haha...

later got to book in le.... LONG WEEKEND DUTY... haiz...

Life is like that..